Struggling

Don’t you hate to struggle with anything? It’s crazy to fight especially when  it seems  you already  know what the inevitable outcome will be.  I have been struggling for years. With my weight, my kids, my mother, my grandmother, my late father  and with my walk in Christ.  I heard a sermon today about the weightiness of sin and how it brings you down and the importance of knowing that if you just let go God will help you. The problem for me is that I’ve carried so much of the struggle on my shoulders and worried about it for so long.. I don’t know if I know how to let him carry it for me. I’m beginning to drop the pounds, AGAIN…lol. But I am still struggling with so many things in my life, I don’t know how to drop the weight of them and let the peace in. I heard that sermon today and I wanted what he was talking about. I want to effect real change in my life but I don’t know how to get there.

It’s not that I don’t know Christ. I’ve always known him. It’s just that I have always felt that I shouldn’t burden him with my troubles. I’m lucky, my son could have been more profoundly mentally disabled that he is. My mother and grandmother are still living, even if they only know how to communicate in put downs. My sister is a RECOVERING addict. My oldest son isn’t wild; I know I’m blessed and these blessings all came from the GOD but somethings the blessings are the burdens too and I can’t figure out how to accept them without carrying them all by myself. Frankly I’m just tired. I need someone else to carry this load for me. I just don’t know if I can give it up after hefting it around so long.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone. To make everyone happy. Along the way I stopped caring about anything. My house, my appearance, my body, my life. I’ve come to the realization that my house has been a reflection of my life. It’s just messy everywhere you look. The thing is.. I gave up a lot of my own clutter filled life to be with 1st my son, then my dad, then my mother’s brother and my grandma. I’ve been lost in not only my mess for years but theirs too.  How am I supposed to find the cleanliness of God’s love in all of the clutter of my life?  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God’s love will set me free if I just believe but when you are the one that everyone’s emotional well being is dependent upon and your well is drying up it’s hard to believe that there is another that never dries up waiting to hold and uplift you.  I want to believe but I am struggling with that belief. I want the peace that’s on the other side of the struggle. I can see the other side and I see the beauty of it.. but I can’t seem to find the path that takes me directly to his loving embrace. I always get weighted down by something.

I feel like it’s not the sins of thought or deed that are my biggest struggle. I have forgotten to love myself the way God promises to love me and I am afraid that’s the sin that will be my down fall. I like the person I am but if I really loved the person I am today I wouldn’t be fat, or disconnected from my family or the rest of the world.

I guess what I’m saying is, I know what I have to do to get to the other side but I don’t know how. I have carried my burdens so long that I’m afraid I’ll be lost without them and when you have so much to carry how can you love yourself when those around you need your love more.

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Posted on June 20, 2010, in Faith, Family, Self. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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